When the former wife of a popular 1990s actor recently revealed that “cold violence” was the reason behind their marital breakdown, it sparked a heated debate.
For years, domestic violence was often equated with physical abuse—bruises, scars, and broken bones. But her story shed light on another form of abuse, one less visible but equally destructive: emotional neglect and withdrawal.
Experts warn that this “silent cruelty” leaves deep psychological wounds and is far more common than many realise. Victims may not even recognise they are being abused until the damage is done.
WHAT EXACTLY IS “COLD VIOLENCE”?
In the realm of family life, “cold violence” may not leave bruises or scars, but its wounds run just as deep.
Dr. Rozanizam Zakaria, a psychiatrist and lecturer at the International Islamic University Malaysia (IIUM), described it as a form of emotional abuse where one partner deliberately withdraws all forms of communication or support—be it verbal, physical, or financial.
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The intent, he explained, is clear: to punish, control, or force the other partner into compliance.
“Cold violence is essentially a tactic of emotional abuse in intimate or caregiving relationships. It relies on strategic emotional withdrawal to punish or restrict another person’s freedom,” he told Bernama recently.
Unlike physical abuse, which can be seen and documented, cold violence is difficult to detect and even harder to prove. This gives perpetrators wide leeway to deny wrongdoing. Victims, meanwhile, are often left feeling invisible, stripped of self-worth, and trapped in severe emotional distress.
“This form of abuse leaves no physical trace, but the psychological damage is profound. Victims may feel as though they don’t exist at all,” Rozanizam explained.
He warned that cultural or legal systems may not even recognise such behaviour as abuse, depriving victims of protection or official support.
“The combination of invisibility, denial, and lack of recognition makes cold violence a cunning, hidden, and dangerous form of abuse that is very difficult to identify and address,” he said.
Many people may confuse cold violence with the so-called “silent treatment,” but the differences are stark.
According to Rozanizam, cold violence is broader and more prolonged, marked by complete withdrawal from emotional connection and communication across multiple aspects of a relationship.
Silent treatment, on the other hand, tends to focus more narrowly on withholding verbal or social interaction. While it can be a tactic of emotional abuse, its intent and severity vary.
“Cold violence is about deliberate isolation and punishment, while silent treatment may sometimes come from emotional overwhelm or an attempt to avoid conflict. But when used abusively, both share the same goal—to control and cause harm,” he said.
He said cold violence is recognised in the field of psychology as a form of emotional abuse in marriage, particularly within certain cultural contexts, while silent treatment is more often regarded as a form of passive-aggressive emotional abuse and social isolation.
WHO IS MORE PRONE?
When asked whether men or women are more prone to practising cold violence, Rozanizam said anyone can do it. However, patterns show it is often used by individuals seeking to maintain control or reacting to perceived threats to their power or status in a relationship.
“Both men and women can behave this way, although in some cultures it tends to occur more frequently among men. Perpetrators are usually driven by poor emotional regulation, difficulties in communication, unresolved anger, jealousy, or even a desire for revenge.
“Those who feel threatened by a partner’s behaviour, or who are naturally controlling and possessive, are especially likely to resort to cold violence,” he said.
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But are perpetrators always aware of what they’re doing? According to Rozanizam, many are not.
“These individuals may not fully recognise or admit that their behaviour amounts to cold violence. This form of emotional abuse involves a deliberate withdrawal of communication and support, often carried out subtly—sometimes without even the perpetrator realising it,” he explained.
In caregiving roles, such as within families or when looking after elderly relatives, abusers may view their withdrawal as the result of stress, limited resources, or frustration rather than intentional harm. Many rationalise their actions as justified punishment, or as a way to control or influence others.
Research, Rozanizam added, shows that cold violence often thrives on what is known as “plausible deniability.”
“Because it leaves no physical evidence and involves emotional withdrawal rather than outright aggression, perpetrators can easily deny wrongdoing, claiming they “didn’t do” anything harmful.
“In some cultural contexts—such as within families or elder care—perpetrators may not fully realise that their withdrawal and neglect actually constitute emotional abuse. The lack of visible signs, combined with rationalisation or emotional detachment, contributes to the low recognition of cold violence as an offence among those who commit it,” he said.
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TOLL
The damage caused by cold violence is not only invisible but also deeply psychological. In the short term, victims often experience confusion and self-doubt, questioning their own memory, perceptions, and feelings—so much so that they struggle to trust themselves.
In the long term, said Rozanizam, the consequences can be far more severe. Victims may develop major depressive disorder, generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), chronically low self-esteem, and a persistent sense of helplessness.
“Prolonged exposure to cold violence may even lead to personality disorders or other psychiatric symptoms. Victims face increased risks of suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and substance abuse,” he explained.
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As the cycle continues, victims often withdraw further, becoming reluctant to communicate or discuss their relationship and emotions.
“They may adopt a more submissive attitude or resist seeking help. Many also experience insomnia, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, and difficulty concentrating—symptoms of psychological trauma brought on by prolonged abuse,” he said.
Because cold violence leaves no physical marks, identifying victims depends entirely on recognising psychological and social signs, as well as understanding the context of emotional withdrawal and control within the relationship.
For victims, the first step toward protection is recognising that the abuse is not their fault. Setting clear boundaries with the perpetrator is crucial.
“It is important to seek support from friends and family so that victims do not feel alone. Taking care of oneself through enjoyable activities and seeking professional help from a therapist can also aid in the healing process,” Rozanizam said.
He added that perpetrators, too, can change—but only through evidence-based therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or couple/marital therapy.
“The key condition, however, is that both partners must be willing to cooperate in the therapeutic process,” he stressed.
LAW AND RIGHTS
Many may wonder—does “cold violence” fall under Malaysian law, and are there legal protections available for victims trapped in toxic relationships?
Syariah lawyer Muhammad Shafiq Ibrahim explained that, by definition, cold violence refers to a passive form of emotional or psychological abuse.
Unlike physical violence, it manifests through deep emotional neglect—such as refusing to speak despite living under the same roof, withdrawing both physically and emotionally, refusing to spend time with a spouse, or maintaining a cold and sarcastic attitude that slowly erodes a partner’s self-worth. The impact, he said, is often prolonged conflict without any clear explanation.
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Although the term “cold violence” itself does not explicitly appear in Malaysian law, Muhammad Shafiq stressed that its essence is already captured within broader legal definitions.
He pointed to the Domestic Violence Act 1994 (Act 521), which under Section 2 defines domestic violence as any act that causes psychological abuse, including emotional harm, by a spouse or former spouse, either directly or through another person.
The Penal Code, under Section 326A, also provides punishment for causing harm to family members—including psychological harm.
From an Islamic legal perspective, the Islamic Family Law (Federal Territories) Act 1984 (Act 303), Section 52(1)(d)(h)(i), allows for the dissolution of marriage (fasakh).
Grounds include failure to fulfil marital obligations without reasonable cause (such as withholding conjugal rights), cruelty by the husband leading to emotional suffering, refusal of intimacy for more than four months, and other recognised grounds under Shariah that cause harm or hardship to the marriage.
“In that sense, cold violence is indeed recognised as a form of emotional abuse in the context of marriage. Even though the phrase itself is not explicitly mentioned in Malaysian statutes, it falls under the legal umbrella of emotional and psychological abuse,” he explained.
In fact, both the Domestic Violence Act 1994 and the Islamic Family Law Act/Enactments recognise behavious such as prolonged emotional neglect, intentional isolation (silent treatment), repeated sarcasm or humiliation, and the deliberate withholding of communication or intimacy without valid reason as forms of psychological abuse.
While cold violence and physical violence differ in form, proof, and legal consequences, Muhammad Shafiq said that both fall within the broader scope of domestic violence under Malaysian law.
HARD TO PROVE
When it comes to court proceedings, proving cold violence can be far more challenging than proving physical abuse. Unlike cases involving bruises, wounds, or medical records that serve as immediate evidence, cold violence leaves no visible scars.
Muhammad Shafiq explained that passive acts—such as prolonged silence or emotional withdrawal—are extremely difficult to establish without a consistent pattern of behaviour.
“Evidence often relies on the victim’s perception, and emotional abuse is measured by its psychological impact, which is not easily quantified in objective terms,” he said.
For the courts, the burden of proof is heavy. The behaviour must be shown to be deliberate, ongoing, and to have a clear impact on the victim’s mental health.
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Still, Shafiq noted that while difficult, it is not impossible if victims gather the right evidence. This could include psychiatric or psychological reports confirming depression, trauma, or emotional distress caused by a partner’s actions.
Victims may also support their claims by documenting communication records—such as text messages, emails, or notes—that reflect neglect, insults, or rejection of interaction, along with dated personal journals that reveal recurring patterns.
“If proven, the psychological effects of cold violence can warrant a Protection Order,” he added. From a Syariah perspective, fasakh or taklik divorce applications may also be granted if there is evidence of serious emotional harm or neglect of marital obligations.
In contrast, physical violence cases may proceed under criminal charges through the Penal Code, alongside possible Protection Orders.
“Regardless of whether it is cold violence or physical violence, both are legally recognised as forms of domestic violence and can form valid grounds for protection or divorce,” he added.
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